Monday, May 25, 2009

This is hilarious!

Joke # 1: 26 Reasons Why Men Have 2 Dogs And Not Two Wives
1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don`t hate it.
4. Dogs don`t notice if you call them by another dog`s name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog`s parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can`t talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they`re ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you`re drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won`t hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don`t get mad. They just think it`s interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don`t let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Sg Wang, Lot 10, Pavilion or Starhill Shopping Centers.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won`t take half of your stuff.

Joke # 2: Ten ways to Stop Telemarketing Calls
Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:
  1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
  2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
  3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  4. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
  6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!
  7. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems ............."
  8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
  9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
  10. Tell them to call on your office number - and give him the Maybank call centre number.

Joke # 3: Tips for a happy marriage
  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.
  2. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  3. When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  4. Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember this: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  5. In fact, statistically 100 percent of all divorces start with marriage.
  6. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  7. I haven't spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don't like to interrupt her.

Joke # 4: KAN PEI = YUM SENG

Once there was a Chinese wedding dinner.
The dinner occupied only half the restaurant.
The other half was occupied by some American tourists.
As the wedding Chinese couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of " KAN PEI .. " (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder.
One American gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him.
" KAN PEI ...!" " KAN .... PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued.
Finally, the irritated American couldn't take it anymore.
He stood up on his chair and shouted.

Joke # 5: WHERE'S THE MONEY ???

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Campbell!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?

Joke # 6: ATTITUDE
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and ask him for a Phone Call.
Shop-owner replied "Sweety this is not a STD, but you can do one call."
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn ?"
The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy.
The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm beach, Florida."
Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to !"

It's Monday! Cheers!

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